"Wylde Elves: Yes That's How They Spell It"

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    Theron Lachaylan

    Wylde Elves
    Yes That’s How They Really Spell It

    A “scholarly” field guide

    By Theron Lachaylan

    Forward: Some people believe “There is no knowledge that is not power.” I would recommend if you employ anything within this book when making decisions regarding Wylde Elves that you know you will do so at your own risk.

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    Theron Lachaylan
      A Most Serious Matter of Architecture

    Whereas blanket forts are a game among human children, in most Wylde Elf Cultures it is quite a serious affair.

    During times of cold, or scary thunderstorms members of the tribe will gather together with their finest blankets and assemble themselves in such a way to provide comfort and warmth, similar to a meerkat or bat colony. The particulars of assemble vary from tribe to tribe and very telling of their bonds with each other.

    In most mountain tribes the elves spin about like children who have consumed too much sugar until they collapse in a tangle of limbs and bedding.

    Desert cultures, and certain coastal clans prefer elaborately arranged formations of colorful blankets that mimic walls but are often elaborated with gates, parapets and windows. Somehow.

    Either way, unwary intruders that wander too close, or worse actually step ON the fort, are quickly assailed by grasping hands that burst from the tapestry and drag the unwary person underneath to suffer a terrible, usually knife-based, fate.

    Rest in Peace, Gerald. You died warmly.

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    Theron Lachaylan
      Drunken Knife Fights
      And Other Courtship Rituals of the Wylde Elves

    Courtship is universally a painful process amongst all races. It is only natural that Wylde Elves, being earthy folks, mix in physical pain to dull the senses amidst the unrelenting horrors of romance.

    Every race has a pattern of qualities they seek in a mate. Ko’jin value blood lines quite often and profit speaking of their ancestors at length to attract each other’s attentions with stories that start “This one time…” Many High Elven flirtations center around quoting obscure texts, or speaking days on end about heretofore unknown abstract art techniques that most beings “just will not understand.” Human courtship is…complicated.

    Wylde Elves tough value martial prowess and feats of athleticism and field craft. Therefore as two Wylde Elves form a close bond, and that bond intensifies into the romantic sphere they will begin to test and challenge each other with the ways most available to them.

    Cross country horse racing enthusiasts stand in constant awe at the tales of wooing involved in the Desert Tribes where budding couples will race across barren landscape for days, forgoing water and rest as the only thing they do besides ride is bicker and brag to show off and prove their worth to the other. Stories such as the trek of Nevith and her husband Helsen are used to berate to messengers who can’t deliver vital documents of nobles or military officials whereas Helsen famously “Rode a horse upside down for a day just to ride an elf right side up for a night.”

    Mountain and Forest tribes take this a step further by often engaging in personal combat. To the casual observer it can be hard to differentiate a bitter quarrel from a moment of passionate connection as both involve the pair of Wylde Elves cursing, spitting, bickering, biting and generally being unruly as they circle each other, knife in hand, before stabbing and slashing wildly and rolling about on the ground.

    This leads to a great deal of confusion in this state of cultural diffusion of the exiled lands. On a coastal city some few miles outside of New Haven I observed an dwarfish Elendari officer break up a brawl between a male and female Wylde Elf after the female threw the male bodily through the door, causing just enough property damange to be considered sweet. He held them both aloft by the scruff of the neck and seemed perplexed that they continued flailing and trying to reach for each other with great intent.

    He was further confused when fully separating them as the male wailed and sobbed, screaming “This was my one chance to impress her!” to which the dwarf patted his back with a very confused look.

    Now, a word of caution; those of you who find yourself suddenly attacked by a Wylde Elf with murder in their eyes, DO NOT think you may have found true love. It’s possible these are the beginnings of deep seated romantic feelings.

    But it’s still more likely you have just angered them and are about to die a grizzly and public demise.

    Either way, you’ll find it to be a matter of the heart.

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    Theron Lachaylan
      Colorful Insults
      The Heart of Polite Interaction

    High, White (and presumably Drow) cultures are heavily defined by precise rules of etiquette. There’s little in their society that isn’t ‘polite society.’ But Wylde Elves are hardly ever polite, but don’t be fully discouraged when one calls you a “Bird’s Shit Stain.”

    Etiquette is a mental process, but Wylde Elves prefer emotional processes, and loud anger is among their favorites. Don’t confuse the anger of other races with the anger of a Wylde Elf. They rant, rave and flail their arms about while jumping off the furniture as a natural way of expressing themselves. The muddier and more trampled they make things, the more it shows they are comfortable expressing themselves.

    For example, being called a “Right fookin’ twat” might be better translated into “You have spirit, and I respect your personality.”

    If you give a Wylde Elf a gift that is quickly snatched out of your hand and thrown about, it’s not that they didn’t appreciate it. They just want to see how durable it is for play or practical use. If they ask “Oi, did you make this piece o’ shite with yer own clumsy hands or buy it like a right suckered mark?” don’t get mad, they are really curious what went into such a fine gift.

    Often when a Wylde Elf is yelling and flailing, they get ahead of themselves. I once had one call me a “Fucoker.” I hadn’t heard the term before, and when I inquired what it meant she got even more flustered and angry and preceeded to insist “Oh…well…it’s…elvish…for…’They whose head is covered in dung. Yeah…that’s it.” I was doubtful at first, especially when no other Wylde Elf knew what I was talking about.

    Until two days later when they collectively insisted that’s -exactly- what it meant, and had always meant, and to “Shut the fuck up and stop asking like it wasn’t always a word ya towering loaf!”

    Remember to match in spirit when giving your Wylde Elf friends nick names back. Either they must involve casual crudeness (Swearing helps achieve this) or speak to the Wylde Elve’s sense of heroics with grand names and titles (Mentioning things they’ve killed help achieve this.)

    As an example of what not to do; I once managed to call a Wylde Elf ‘Sweetie Bumpkin.”

    How I survived is a mystery I may never solve. And the nightmares of the possible consequences haunt me still.

    So, never worry when Wylde Elves yell, scream and generally be loud.

    IF, however…you’ve done something where they stare at you silently and angrily, I sincerely hope you’ve paid for this book up front.

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    Theron Lachaylan

      Dancing with Wylde Elves
      You’re gonna die anyhow.

    My mother once told me that “you can tell a lot about someone by watching them dance.” Let me take this very public moment to agree with her on something for once.

    When you dance with a High Elf; you’re doing it wrong. Trust me. Your form is poor, your footing is off, and your rhythm is “atrocious”. They will explain this to you in great detail. High Elf dancing centers around breath control. Mostly the exasperated sighs they give as they critique your efforts. But maybe they should consider THAT ALL I ASKED WAS TO LEARN HOW TO WALTZ, KESSIEL, NOT FOR A FIVE HOUR LECTURE ON THE FINER ART OF POINTING MY TOES!

    White Elf dances are quite fanciful and theatric and make excellent use of coordinating seamlessly with the music. Just try not to ask about the symbolism behind it or you might be treated to the tale of the greater cosmic nightmare that will one day breach into our reality, heralded by songs that cannot be, and colors than have never existed before to feast upon our souls as a herald to the new era where the cosmos collapse in on themselves during the end of days. Or, equally possible, the origin of the Winter Festival.

    If you’re dancing with a Drow, you’re just talking.

    Wylde elf dancing is one of my favorite Wylde elf things. It is just dancing. That is it. It is moving to music, and if you’re thinking any deeper I assure you it is unnecessary.

    So let me think deeper on this. Yes a Wylde elf dancing is a person expressing something, be if joy, play, connection, mourning, catharsis or any number of things. But there’s no wrong way I’ve seen among the various traditions to dance. Nor is there a wrong reason. It’s a primal, pure expression. In fact many of the things I’ve alluded to in previous chapters that they do; jumping on furniture, stabbing, cart wheels and so forth can be worked into a dance. (Thusly, do make sure the good dishes are safe before beating a drum near a gathering of them)

    This is what is so great about it; it’s a pure form of expression that is not diluted, weighed down, or muddled by attaching anything else to it then just being a chance to dance.

    I was going to comment on Ko’jin dancing, but I’ve made the classic mistake of putting my name on this work and several Ko’jin know where I sleep at night.

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    Theron Lachaylan

      “If You Give a Wylde Elf a Cookie”
      A piece by possibly, oh I don’t know, Aiden Lyngard
      But certainly not by Theron Lachaylan

    If you give a Wylde Elf a cookie, they’ll want a pint of beer.
    If you give them a pint of beer, they’ll want more
    If they drink more they will get very drunk
    If they get very drunk they will get this idea they could bake a better cookie then you.
    If they think they can bake a better cookie than you they will stumble into the kitchen to try
    If they stumble into the kitchen to try they will not succeed because they are, as stated earlier, drunk
    If they will not succeed because they are, as stated earlier, drunk, they will get very angry
    If they get very angry, they will begin smashing things in the kitchen
    If they smash things in the kitchen, one of those things will be the oven
    If they smash the oven, they will start a fire
    If they start a fire it will be seen for miles
    If the fire is seen for miles other Wylde Elves will gather for one of their “A building is burning down” parties.
    If the Wylde elves have one of their “A building is burning down parties.” They will start dancing around the towering blaze.
    If the Wylde Elves dance around the towering blaze either they or someone else might forget what’s happening and think it is a war dance
    If the Wylde Elves or someone else forgets what’s happening and thinks it’s a war dance, mistakes will be made.
    If mistakes are made a horrible war may break out.
    If a horrible war breaks out the Wylde Elves might begin winning the war in a brilliant mutli faceted campaign.
    If the Wylde elves begin winning the war from their brilliant, multi faceted campaign the regime fighting them will be regarded as soft hearted and weak, and topple in a bloody rebellion
    If the bloody rebellion topples the weak regime the new powers will rule with an iron fist so that they can do what needs to be done.
    If the new powers rule with an iron fist they will crush the common people under the boot of a grim new dystopia
    If the common people are crushed under the boot of a grim new dystopia they will seek out ancient powers, dark powers, in a vain hope to restore their world.
    If they seek out ancient powers, dark powers, in a vain hope to restore their world they will attract the attention of Mag’u’thu the Seamless Terror of the Void.
    If they attract the attention of attention of Mag’u’thu the Seamless Terror of the Void, they will breach the veil to herald his arrival in a ritual of blood and offered innocence
    If Mag’u’thu the Seamless Terror of the Voice breaches the veil he will open one of his thirteen mouths and sing the song that ends the world.
    If he sings the song that ends the world the Wylde Elves will have one of their famous “The World is Ending” parties.
    If they have one of their famous “The World is Ending” parties, they will all have a pint of beer.
    If they all have a pint of beer, they will all want a cookie to snack on with their drink.

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